Put yourself in the other person’s shoes so you can change the dynamics of a relationship. In that instant, you “get” each other, and this breakthrough leads to cooperation, collaboration and effective communication.
When you mirror what another person feels, she’s hardwired to mirror you in return. When you say, “I understand what you’re feeling” — and you mean it — she will feel grateful and, in return, express her appreciation with a desire to understand you. It’s an irresistible biological urge that pulls another person toward you.
Phrases for Difficult Conversations
Use these phrases to help someone feel “felt”:
· “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling, and I think it’s ______ (fill in an emotion). Is that correct?” Listen without judgment or comment.
· “What are you feeling?”
· “How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Allow the person to vent.
· “And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset) is because (repeat back to them what they’ve told you).” Again, let the person vent.
· “Tell me, what needs to happen for that feeling to be better?” Listen without judgment or argument.
· “What part can I play in making this happen? What part are you willing to play?”
This script isn’t written in stone. These phrases are meant to be guides or starting points for breaking through to someone.