Our own shadow is formed from the parts of our being that we experience as unacceptable.
Our families and culture let us know early on which human qualities are valued and which are frowned upon. We want to be accepted and loved, so we try to fashion and present a "self" that will attract others and secure our sense of belonging. But inevitably, our natural aggression, need, or fear are expressed, and the significant people in our lives react. Whether we are mildly scolded, ignored, or traumatically rejected, on some level we are hurt and pushed away.
The shadow becomes a force in our psyches as we exile the emotions that could elicit rejection. Our shadows are rooted in shame, bound by our sense of being basically defective. The more deeply we feel flawed and unlovable, the more desperately we run from the shadow. Yet running from what we fear deepens the inner darkness.
Underneath "I shouldn't get so angry" lies "There's something wrong with me if I do." Like being stuck in quicksand, our frantic efforts to escape our badness sink us deeper. As we strive to avoid the shadow, we solidify our identity as a fearful, deficient self.
When we learn to face the fear and shame we habitually avoid, we begin to awaken from a trance. By pausing and accepting our experience, we free ourselves to respond to our circumstances in ways that bring genuine peace and happiness.
Source: Excerpted and adapted from "Radical Acceptance:Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha" by Tara Brach, Ph.D. (Bantam Books a division of Random House, Inc).