Career Women Coaching

You Get What You Tolerate

"Any goal that forces you to labor, day after day and year after year,  so long and hard that you never have any time for yourself and those you love is not a goal but a sentence ... a sentence to a lifetime of misery, no matter how much wealth and success you attain."   Og Mandino

Are you surprised that you are getting what you tolerate?

In medicine, we look at how well a drug can be tolerated in respect to its side effects. At work and at home, many people evaluate their duties the same way --- how well certain aspects can be tolerated.

Often there can be a temptation to ignore some of the more upsetting aspects of life and work with the idea that we just don't need the aggravation of challenging the status quo.  Seeking painless solutions to life's tensions, repeating your own behavior that hasn't worked in the past, or taking the safe route for fear of a negative response is just not realistic.

Reflect on it.  If you have been tolerating a certain behavior to avoid conflict, it is very likely that what you have been tolerating has grown.  Just as energy is wasted by fretting about things that are not important, you waste valuable time by not addressing things that need to be addressed.  We are not saying you need to become overzealous in addressing every single little thing that bothers you.  Nor, are we are saying you need to be the bad cop or the intolerant parent.  To paraphrase Aristotle, seek to address the issues that are important to you, doing so at the right time, for the right reason and in the right way.

Putting it into Practice

Confront issues early.  Stay on top of problems and don't let them escalate.

Have a Plan.  Don't respond out of anger.   Structure how you will raise the issue, name the troubling behavior and discuss the implication.  Deal with the individual in a positive manner. View them as a work in progress.

Listen to Learn.  Ask what steps the person will take to address the issue now that it has been identified. To have the person respond favorably it will be important to stop talking and start listening.  If you don't listen to them, it is unlikely they will listen to you.  Schedule time to regularly give feedback, it will reduce the anxiety that often surfaces when issues need to be addressed.

Source:  John Agno: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women

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The Boss Sets the Style

Translating Boss Style

• If the boss is a 'suit only' person, invest in a custom suit, or one with high-quality fabrics. The boss can spot a cheap suit a mile away.

• If the boss is 'business casual,' err on the side of dressing things up. If the boss never wears khakis, jeans or polo shirts, neither should you.

• If the boss is dressed up and of the opposite sex, men should wear a suit or blazer and tie. Women should wear a business suit or jacket with a fitted feminine shape.

• If the boss has a style that clashes with yours, incorporate elements of the boss's style without losing your own. Accessories, jewelry or offbeat shoes or socks can reflect your personal style.

• If the boss has a different body type than yours, make sure your clothes fit well, no matter your size or height. Darker colors can be slimming and more flattering.

Source: Lynne Marks, president of London Image Institute; Lois Barth, business and lifestyle coach; Lloyd Boston, style consultant and author —Ray A. Smith   Write to Ray A. Smith at [email protected] and Robin Sidel at [email protected]  A version of this article appeared July 25, 2013, on page D1 in the U.S. edition of The Wall Street Journal, with the headline: When the Boss Sets the Style.

If you are serious about being promoted … then take heed.  

There is one problem that career women face that often goes unaddressed. It is what it means to be wearing the right clothes.  

A woman’s wardrobe is an essential component of her presentation. It is as important as her handshake, her eye contact and her attitude.  

The faux pas many women make is that they believe their wardrobe is a reflection of who they are. They are attempting to project their distinctiveness and their individuality. Others prefer to wear what is comfortable thinking that this is appropriate since they’ve noticed others in the office also dress this way.  And then there are those who want to be known for their style and creativity. They want to stand out from the crowd.

All these women, instead of sending the right message they are signaling to those above that they are not a team player, that they are not ready for promotion.

 John Agno: Decoding the Executive Woman's Dress Code (FREE ebook)

Source:  John Agno: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women (ebook edition at $2.99 and paperback Workbook Edition $13.49)

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Your Personal Vision/Mission

"Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds."   George Elliot

Much of our problem with time management is that we have not given enough thought to who we are and what makes us unique.  We highly recommend you consider developing a personal mission statement.

A mission statement is simply a set of guiding principles which clearly state how you are going to live your life and for what purpose. It is short, it embodies your personal values and like a GPS it keeps you going in the right direction.

If each of us is on this earth for a reason, then it holds true that there is a unique purpose for each one of us.  Life is about finding that reason for being and then living that reason out.  We've all seen some sad lives.  They are the lives of woulda, coulda, shoulda. Looking at these lives, you see a person who feels that they never really found their purpose. Somehow throughout life they just missed it.   On the other hand, we all know of people whose lives are on fire... they easily inspire us.

We encourage you to take the time to be introspective. Look back and identify the golden threads that run through your life.   Discover your uniqueness through dialogue and appreciative inquiry, either with a family member, friend, spiritual group or coach.

Putting it into Practice

Name what is important.  Before getting started, write out those things that are most important to you.  Keep them foremost in your mind as you proceed.

Create a mission statement.  Begin by writing down as many guiding principles as you can.  Principles are the types of things that you want to govern your life.   Here are a few examples: If I take on a job, it is worth doing well; I'll associate only with positive  and inspiring people;  I'll be respectful and polite but never be pushed around; I'll stay fit -- strong people are mentally tough.  You get the idea...

We set the stage for our life.  It is our belief that we are expected to be co-creators in our own life's story - to follow our own dreams, to believe in our self, and to make a difference.  Whether you are 17 or 70, we recommend you to take time to uncover your life's mission. Here's a clue: your signature strengths and your dreams go hand-in-hand.  We owe it to ourselves, to go after our dreams and find our reason for being.

Staying on your chosen path.  You may want a mission/purpose statement but you will actually have to take the time to dialogue about it, write it down and memorize it.  Whatever you come up with, you will need to take the time to refine it as much as possible. A good mission statement is less than 25 words -- something you can easily remember. Then when something unexpected happens, or you are pulled off course, you can simply go back to your mission statement and return to your chosen path. 

Source:  John Agno: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women

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Differences Among Coaching, Therapy and Consulting

Differences Among Coaching, Therapy and Consulting

Since a coaching style is often used in other vocations like mentoring, advising, supporting or training in sports, business, academics and psychotherapy, it can become confusing for the public to understand what coaching actually involves.

For what is professional coaching and how it differs from consulting: Download and listen to this MP3 recording of a recent interview of Coach John Agno for the answer to that question.

Since its inception as a new profession in the 1980s, coaches have been explaining the difference between coaching, therapy and consulting to the public....such as, "Coaching focuses on the present and the future where as psychotherapy focuses on the past."  But such definitions are too simplistic.

In therapy, therapists treat a vast client population, with one common denominator: the majority of those seeking therapy are at a low point in their lives, facing distress and emotional pain.  The process of therapy may differ dramatically from coaching.  The process of therapy is rarely linear; during treatment, some aspects of a person's functioning improve while other aspects stay the same or change more slowly.  A therapist might consider the therapy successful if, after treatment, a client has made substantial internal shifts in thinking, feeling and behaving, even if the client is still functioning in the world in a low to moderate range.

The coaching relationship is one of partnership and collaboration.  Although the coach may be an expert in certain skills or areas, as a coach s/he is positioned as an equal with clients.  S/he asks perceptive questions rather than gives advice.  The person-being-coached defines their own goals, choices and decisions, with the coach's input.  The coach uses accountability, motivational strategies and constructive support to help the person-being-coached meet and at times, exceed their desired goals.  The purpose of coaching is to help people set and reach better goals, do more than they would have done on their own, and improve focus as as to produce results more quickly.

Although the purpose may be similar for therapy and coaching in some cases, the process differs.  In therapy, emphasis may be placed on helping a client resolve past issues in order to be more functional in the present.  In coaching, emphasis is placed solely on a person's present state of mind and future potential.  Coaching is less about process and more about doing.

Coaching is notable for its flexibility in regard to setting.  It's not necessary for coaches and their clients to have ever met face-to-face for the sessions to be effective.  Sessions may be regular, infrequent, or packaged to fit the terms of a specific contract. 

Coaches use specific coaching models learned from their coach training.  Coaching tools, like self-assessments, checklists, exercises and programs, depending upon the needs of the person being coached. 

The coach decides, often in the moment, what to say and when, how best to respond to a given situation, what questions to ask or when to be silent, how to challenge a client's statement or strategize a course of action, what suggestions to make that can help a client become motivated, or when to suggest a client stop and think.  In every session, a coach is presented with a myriad of choices about what to do.

 Wendy Allen: The Business and Practice of Coaching: Finding Your Niche, Making Money, & Attracting Ideal Clients

 Frank Bresser: The global business guide for the successful use of coaching in organizations

 John Agno: Ask the Coach

 John Agno: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women

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Managing Stress

"Is everything as urgent as your stress would imply?"  Carrie Latet

We live in stressful times.  That is not an understatement. We are hearing about record home foreclosures, a fragile economy, and are watching the value of our investments decline.  Things we have little control over.

Coupled  with this, we are keenly aware of all the many things  we are responsible for -- from managing the home,  maintaining relationships, handling workplace issues, looking after our health, to name  a few.  Then there are all the expectations that others have of us, from spouses, to children, to relatives, to employers, to teachers and neighbors.

Although most of us recognize that moderate stress can help us to perform at a higher level, persistent stress can be debilitating and dangerous. Stress eats away at our ability to manage both our time and our responsibilities.   Hopefully, you are not one of those who want to wear their stress as a badge of honor to show how much you can handle! Beware: Stress has a major impact both physically and psychologically. When we are continually under chronic stress, our body reacts whether we are aware of it or not.

Each of us has a limit beyond which stress becomes toxic, even deadly.  Our resistance is lowered, our performance declines, our mental well being gets derailed. There isn't a quick fix but successful people learn how to manage their stress.

Putting it into Practice

Manage your life, manage your stress.  Routinely create some healthy distance from your difficulties and the expectations of others.  Participate in activities that give you pleasure.  Nurture friendships with those people who make you feel good about yourself.   Try laughing more.  You could also start a Gratitude Journal.  Each day for at least a month write down t hree new things you are grateful for.

Take another perspective.  Look at the stressful situation from various perspectives rather than just your own.   Get input from others. Explore all the possibilities.  Be determined to take action and embrace the change.

We're not talking churchology or religiousity.  Whatever your belief system, it is important to believe in something greater than yourself.  For some, this spiritual journey will be through their   religious pursuits. For others it will be a commitment to practices that illuminates their life purpose or life signature. Then there are those who will simply want to acknowledge that life is a gift and to recognize the importance of taking care of your body with exercise, extra sleep and healthy food.  We recommend you commit to the type of spiritual practice that helps fuel the light that is within. 

Source:    John Agno: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women

Does Gender Matter?

 "You don't have to act like a man to succeed in business for you will always be judged as a woman."   Pat Heim

 

There has been an ongoing controversy about whether gender is even an issue we should be discussing as it relates to professional women and time management.

  

The truth is that men and women often approach a broad range of career issues differently. Consider how it is that we convey competence, face competition, put forward our ideas, get involved in corporate politics, or how we determine our role on a team.   Many career-oriented women unwittingly make mistakes that undermine their credibility, simply because of gender expectations and misconceptions.

  

Forget the stereotyping that "boys are competitive, girls are collaborative."  In recent years scientists have discovered that differences between the sexes are more profound than anybody previously guessed.  Here is what Dr. Leonard Sax, MD, PhD says we now know for sure:

  

The female brain develops differently.   In women, the language areas of the brain develop before the areas used for spatial relations and for geometry.  In men, it's the other way around.

The female brain is wired differently.  In women, emotion is processed in the same area of the brain that processes language.  So, it's easy for most women to talk about their emotions.  

In men, the brain regions involved in talking are separate from the regions involved in feeling. The hardest question for many men to answer is: "Tell me how you feel."

  

John Agno: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women

  

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Different Expectations

"Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done."   James Ling

Incredibly, all the people in our life -- of which there are many -- have subtle expectations of us.

We know deep down that we simply cannot meet all these expectations and the more we try to, the more we become frustrated and angry by all the demands people place on us.

But remember, we also have expectations of ourselves and others.  This is an important realization since our expectations come from the way we were raised and it has a gender component.  There is a tendency for each of us to bond most strongly with the same sex parent.  Boys certainly love their mothers but strongly resist being viewed a mamma's boy. Girls like to compete, hit home  runs and are proud to be daddy's little girl but they are still expected to emulate their  mother's role -- behave  properly, love babies  and be good in the kitchen.  This is obviously an over-simplification but the reality is there are numerous subtle expectations.

Having said that, even though girls have been told they can be anything they want to be, as they enter the workplace, they soon discover they are in conflict.  They can be a stellar performer but are still expected to conform to societal norms--- help plan functions, smooth over relationships, cooperate, know their place and complete tasks in a timely manner.

All the while, in the home, there is little regard given for her executive position. She is still expected to be a supportive wife, an exceptional mother, a good friend and an ideal daughter. What to do about all these expectations?

Putting it into Practice

It's impossible to be all things to all people.  Decide what is important for you.  This may fluctuate but be aware that you can choose.

Get your supports in place now!  From help with the home, to childcare, to meal preparation, to gift buying, to all sorts of tasks we are expected to perform. Find the people you need whether you pay for services or get friends and relatives, or your partner to assist.

Learn to involve others.  Learning to delegate, teach and train those around you to do what you expect of them.  Take the time at work to develop your staff and build their capabilities. At home do the same thing.   We teach people how to treat us.  If you are constantly playing the female role of picking up after everyone - don't be surprised when they let you.

Source:  John Agno: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women (ebook $2.99)

 Barbara A. McEwen: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women--Workbook Edition (paperback at $14.99)

 

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Anger: A Second Emotion

"There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them."  Denis Waitley

Whether all these expectations make us angry with ourselves or with someone else, it is helpful to recognize that anger is a second emotion.

Anger can surface as a result of feeling overwhelmed by our roles or by being hurt, mistreated, or misunderstood.  Anger, stems from the messages we tell ourselves that gets us all worked up. This can result from having unmet expectations of another, misplaced assumptions or even inaccurate information. Swallowing your anger or lashing out is not productive. Since anger is a valid emotion that wastes an excessive amount of time, we all need to make our anger works for us.  When someone or something has violated our boundaries or offended us in some way, we need to protect ourselves accordingly.

Putting it into Practice

Anger is a valid emotion.  Since anger is a secondary emotion, pay attention to getting in touch with the primary emotion. Do you have an unrealistic expectation of another? Have you been disappointed?  Have you experienced a lack of respect?  Has someone not trusted you?  It is important to name it, in order to tame it.

We choose our behavior.  Nobody actually "makes" you angry.  We all have the power to choose how we will respond to any given situation.  Decide how you want to respond to achieve the desired outcome.

We are all storytellers.  As mentioned earlier, in addition to brain development, women have been socialized to be relaters and as such one of the first things women will do when angered is to stop talking.   Internally, we begin to expand on the stories we tell ourselves about our predicament. Then we search for information to support the stories we tell our self.  Be careful, because the story grows, often in disproportion to the actual event.  Rather, try using a more assertive approach. 

Address the concerns while still being respectful of yourself and others.  Use 20/20 hindsight.  After the event is over, think about how you handled the situation. Look for the mistakes that were in the story you told yourself, so you don't continue to fall into the same trap.   Identify what worked and what you could do differently the next time.

Let it go.  Forgiveness, although not easy, releases us from the grip of another person or the situation that originally angered us.  Focusing on the wrongdoing merely burdens us, wastes valuable time, and stops us from living more fully. 

 John Agno: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women (ebook at $2.99)

 Barbara A. McEwen: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women--Workbook Edition (paperback at $14.99)

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Aspiring Women Deserve a Solid "Heads-Up"

Women who ascend the corporate ladder are expected to give up, to go up.  This is a critical consideration for woman with children. Whoever first noticed that we get what we wish for was right. We need to make sure that our career goals coincide with our personal goals—and if, at present, they don’t appear to, we should think long and hard about how to make them harmonious.  

Countless mothers of young children have surprised themselves by creating professional opportunities while they’ve been home with children. Others have impressed themselves and others when they demonstrate how their organizational abilities at work translate well on the home front, in locating the right support network and helpers to make both work and home function smoothly.

Choosing to take the appropriate measures to advance our careers is a significant decision. Ultimately, the right decision for one woman may be entirely wrong for another. The choice belongs to each of us.  As we noted, industry asks and expects a lot.  But the demands will only change when women push through changes so no one will be expected to sacrifice family for success in business.  

After spending time in the corporate world, many women choose to open their own businesses so they have more control over their time.  Your life and work can both be enjoyable!

Here is some summer reading to help you decide on your mid-career correction:

  John Agno: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women 

 John G Agno: Women, Know Thyself: The most important knowledge is self-knowledge.

 John G. Agno: Women and Time

 

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