Anger can surface as a result of feeling overwhelmed by our roles or by being hurt, mistreated, or misunderstood. Anger, stems from the messages we tell ourselves that gets us all worked up. This can result from having unmet expectations of another, misplaced assumptions or even inaccurate information. Swallowing your anger or lashing out is not productive. Since anger is a valid emotion that wastes an excessive amount of time, we all need to make our anger works for us. When someone or something has violated our boundaries or offended us in some way, we need to protect ourselves accordingly.
Putting it into Practice
Anger is a valid emotion. Since anger is a secondary emotion, pay attention to getting in touch with the primary emotion. Do you have an unrealistic expectation of another? Have you been disappointed? Have you experienced a lack of respect? Has someone not trusted you? It is important to name it, in order to tame it.
We choose our behavior. Nobody actually "makes" you angry. We all have the power to choose how we will respond to any given situation. Decide how you want to respond to achieve the desired outcome.
We are all storytellers. As mentioned earlier, in addition to brain development, women have been socialized to be relaters and as such one of the first things women will do when angered is to stop talking. Internally, we begin to expand on the stories we tell ourselves about our predicament. Then we search for information to support the stories we tell our self. Be careful, because the story grows, often in disproportion to the actual event. Rather, try using a more assertive approach.
Address the concerns while still being respectful of yourself and others. Use 20/20 hindsight. After the event is over, think about how you handled the situation. Look for the mistakes that were in the story you told yourself, so you don't continue to fall into the same trap. Identify what worked and what you could do differently the next time.
Let it go. Forgiveness, although not easy, releases us from the grip of another person or the situation that originally angered us. Focusing on the wrongdoing merely burdens us, wastes valuable time, and stops us from living more fully.
John Agno: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women (ebook at $2.99)
Barbara A. McEwen: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women--Workbook Edition (paperback at $14.99)
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