Anger is so strong that it has the capacity to change others' behavior.
No human emotion has the capacity to bend the will of another the way anger can, especially when anger turns to aggression. But the emotion of anger that we often experience as humans is not always, or even usually, expressed as outward and violent aggression.
Humans do not act on instinct alone. Often, people turn these emotions inward to later surface as depression or bitterness. Anger's power over us individually is immense, and its ripple effect throughout all aspects of our lives--our relationships, careers, educational experiences, health--can be life altering, even devastating.
Although it may seem that our responses are spontaneous and uncontrollable, each one is actually profoundly under our control. We have a choice of what to do and how to express our anger. This ability to choose develops as we grow older.
Uncovering what is really making you or another person angry is key to figuring out how to defuse anger. Like the martial arts master who uses the energy of the opponent to power his own moves, each of us has the ability to detect, harness and train the force of anger in ourselves and others.
It is helpful to recognize that anger is actually a secondary emotion, the offshoot of many possible situations: disappointment, mistreatment, misunderstandings, unmet expectations, feelings of rejection, feelings of being “marginalized” or made to feel unimportant, to name just a few.
Stress lies at the base of anger, but stress by itself doesn’t cause anger. Each of us triggers anger through our “self-talk” and how we fixate on the expectations we place on ourselves and others.
Negative triggering thoughts might include blaming another person for intentionally doing us wrong or blaming someone for failing to adhere to our standards and expectations.
Through this self-talk, we transform the other person into the offender, relieving ourselves from taking responsibility for our own behavior. It’s a lot easier on us to blame others, but, let’s face it, we need to grow up and take responsibility for our own actions and reactions.
Anger can surface as a result of feeling overwhelmed by our roles and it’s important to recognize that no one can make us angry. Only we can pull that trigger. Stemming from the negative or hurtful messages we tell ourselves, anger can powerfully work us up. And, as we all know, swallowing our anger or lashing out are two completely unproductive ways of handling an explosive situation. Since anger is a valid emotion that wastes so much of our precious time, let’s choose to make our anger work for us, not against us. When a person or a situation has violated or offended us in some way, we must protect ourselves by establishing personal boundaries.
Volumes of books have been devoted to the management of anger and the practice of boundary-setting. If these are issues that have ballooned in your life, look into anger management and boundary-setting in greater depth.
Don’t hesitate to seek professional help—remember you don’t have to handle everything on your own. We can choose to take control of all aspects of our lives. Liberating ourselves from anything that jeopardizes our health, welfare, or pursuit of happiness is worth every effort.
Often, the very best response to a bad situation is to shrug our shoulders. Even better, have good laugh at the situation. Laughter is not only the greatest medicine, it is also the greatest tool for gaining perspective and releasing tension and anger. A hearty laugh will unwind even the tightest knots in our stomach. Laughter can help us live longer, happier, and more peaceful lives.
Sources: Joseph Shrand: Outsmarting Anger: 7 Strategies for Defusing Our Most Dangerous Emotion
John Agno: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women
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