To Have (It All) and Have Not

By Susan Chira, Assistant Managing Editor for News at The New York Times, Published: June 30, 2012

For years the debate about working motherhood has swung between two poles — the sunny optimism of having it all and the judgmental gloom of the finger-waggers. Now we are in another paroxysm of angst, prompted by a provocative article by Anne-Marie Slaughter in The Atlantic about the impossibility of combining working motherhood with jobs at the pinnacle of power. Yes, her article focuses on the elite. But she raises troubling questions about whether mothers with children at home can wield sustained power in American society — power that some might use to improve the lot of less privileged women.

Her article drew some blistering responses from younger feminist bloggers, attacking the clichéd cover art of baby and briefcase but, more substantially, the question itself: Can women have it all? Rebecca Traister in Salon proposed banning the term “have it all” altogether because it can’t be defined (satisfaction? liberation?) and sets an impossible standard that, when mothers inevitably fall short, will lead to feminism’s being blamed.

 

"You can have it all.  You just can't have it all at one time."  Oprah Winfrey

Ms. Slaughter is speaking to younger women in their 20s and 30s and also to her (and my) cohort of older professionals. Our generation thought — she says naïvely — that if we worked as hard as the men, accepted their definition of how to build careers, we could succeed. And many of us have. What Ms. Slaughter is asking is whether we’ve failed to imagine — and advocate for — a better reality.

It’s a fair point, but I think it glosses over an uncomfortable truth: There is always a price to pay for achievement, or for trimming your sails — to some degree, for some periods of time — at work. There will always be someone who will work harder and advance faster and higher, and often that someone will be a man. It will feel unfair, even with the knowledge that there are incalculable benefits to having a rich family life that the most driven will never fully savor.

The hard questions remain. Is it realistic to expect that anyone can ascend to the top without that kind of total commitment? Would we want a C.E.O. (or president of the country) without it?

 Barbara A. McEwen: When Doing It All Won't Do: A Self-Coaching Guide for Career Women--Workbook Edition